Does Your Relationship Have These 3 Things [Quiz]

In the first part, we spoke about the A.R.E scale and EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy).

What truly makes a relationship thrive and provides the key to long-lasting love is emotional responsiveness

This question is what the A.R.E. Scale tries to understand and solve. Are you curious where your relationship falls on the A.R.E. scale? Take this test and find out.

How Well Do You Score on the A.R.E. Scale?

This survey is taken from the book Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Johnson (2). It has been shortened and reformatted slightly for the purposes of this article.

Directions:

Simply choose a True or False response to the following questions. Scoring (instructions below) will reveal where your relationship falls on the A.R.E. scale.

From your viewpoint, is your partner accessible to you?
1. I can get my partner’s attention easily. T/F
2. My partner shows that I come first for them. T/F
3. I can share my deepest feelings with them. They will listen. T/F

From your viewpoint, is your partner responsive to you?
1. If I need connection or comfort my partner will be there for me. T/F
2. My partner responds to my signals that I need them to give me space or come close. T/F
3. I find I can lean on my partner when I am anxious or unsure. T/F

Are you positively emotionally engaged with each other?
1. I feel very comfortable being close to and trusting my partner. T/F
2. I can confide in my partner about almost anything. T/F
3. I know that my partner cares about my joys, hurts, and fears. T/F

To score: Simply add up the number of “True” responses that you checked. Each “True” response equals one point.

If you scored 6 or above, you A.R.E well on your way to an emotionally engaged relationship if you’re not already in one!
If you scored lower than 4, there is some work to do.

If you fell between 4-6, this is not so uncommon. So many of us did not grow up with the A.R.E. ingredients as a given in our relationships. As a result, we didn’t learn these essential relational skills.

Rest assured that learning how to apply A.R.E. in your relationship is possible and well worth it! In fact, this is the foundation of my relational work with clients. “A.R.E. you there?” is the fundamental question partners need to answer.

When the answer is no, whether it is conveyed directly or indirectly, it causes enormous distress. As Dr. Johnson puts it:
Isolation and the potential loss of loving connection are coded by the brain into a primal panic response. The need for safe emotional connection to a few loved ones is wired in by millions of years of evolution. Distressed partners may use different words, but they are always asking the same basic questions: “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you when I call?”

Love is the best survival mechanism there is, and to feel suddenly cut off from a partner, disconnected, is terrifying…. This longing for emotional connection with those nearest and dearest to us is the emotional priority, overshadowing even the drive for food or sex.

Now that you know the fundamental ingredients for a happy relationship here’s something to try: Start applying the A.R.E. factor to all your relationships and see if it doesn’t make a difference. I would love to hear your experience in testing this concept!

(2) Hold Me Tight, Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Dr. Sue Johnson (2008) pp 57-58.