Influenza – Spreading the Pain.


4 Min Read


Influenza - Spreading the Pain.

Influenza – Spreading the Pain.

You might not know but influenza is highly contagious. You are a walking talking petri-dish of germs. Even more interesting, you are contagious starting the day before you even begin to start sniffling. And you do not stop being contagious until 5 to 7 days later. That means for 5 to 7 days you can gradually pass your illness to the unsuspecting or careless suckers around you. Below are 5 steps you can take to gradually infect all your friends, family, and acquaintances. Or if you so choose, steps you can steer clear of in order to limit the amount of people that you infect.


Don’t Stay Home

Have you fallen sick on a work day? What are you still doing in bed? Get your sore, congested body out of bed. Throw on your work clothes and take off to work. After all, you might need that extra money. And didn’t Ernie just get fired for taking too many sick days? Who are you to complain if they encourage the spread of disease in the office due to strict time off policies? Don’t pay attention to all of the professional medical advice on how to treat influenza, people are crazy to encourage you to stay home. 


Ambush Your Friends

Don’t feel like going to work sick? Now’s the time to call up those friends you’ve been too busy to hang out with. Tell them you took an impromptu day off from work to spend with them. Then show up sneezing and coughing for some friend time. Your friend might be so overwhelmed or horrified by the fact you were willing to infect them; they won’t go running for the hills when they should.


Never Cover Your Nose

I once watched this video about the proper way to prop and sneeze. Into your shirt sleeve or napkin, they urged. Practice with us now they encouraged. My brothers and I followed along. Dutifully sneezing into our sleeves between giggles. 

As an infected person who hopes to spread the disease, you should forget all of your etiquette lessons. Cough and sneeze directly at people. The closer to the mouth, nose, and eyes the better. You don’t even need to get too close. The force of your sneeze or cough can often shoot the germs far enough to land on anyone or anything within six feet. 


Get in Peoples Personal Bubble

While you can conceivably infect anyone within 6 feet, the closer you are to them the higher your chances will be of infecting them. Closer distances allow a steadier and stronger stream of germs to fly over to them every time you open your mouth or sneeze. And there is also a chance that they might touch something that your germ infested hands have touched! Score! 


Share Beverages and Food

Do you feel the beginning of a nasty bug? Are you going to the movies anyway? You really should refrain from sharing a popcorn container or a drink with your buddy. After all, the mouth is one of the most vulnerable areas of your body when it comes to the influenza virus, but, really, $15 extra dollars on refreshments is a massive amount. There really is no option but to share that drink…


Influenza is delightfully or horrifyingly contagious. It would be too easy to use your illness for the powers of evil. A hug, a sip, even existing in the same area can be enough to spread the illness. I must caution the devious mind before using any of the above steps. The last thing we want is to be indirectly responsible for someone becoming deathly ill. Although the thought is delightful. 🙂

Rachel Pharlain

Rachel Pharlain works out, eats annoyingly healthy, and has a large collection of friends who are trying their hardest to infect her with every disease they contract.

Rachel Pharlain

Rachel Pharlain works out, eats annoyingly healthy, and has a large collection of friends who are trying their hardest to infect her with every disease they contract.

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